Sick kids

Hannah had a little cold that turned into bronchitis and pneumonia in the middle of the night before she died. Since Robert and Rachel were also sick and Hannah never had much of a fever, I decided not to take her into the doctors. I'm not sure if that would even change the result if I had because it was simple her time to go.  However, sick kids still make me a little nervous. The day after Hannah died, I took Robert and Rachel into the doctors just to double check my motherly instinct. I was right and they just had a simple cold. I'm not even sure if they got medicine for it or not. I continued to take Rachel in for small sicknesses because I didn't trust my judgement.

I saw my doctor at story time in the library within a few weeks of Hannah's passing and was able to tell her how conflicted I was. I basically needed "permission" to trust my gut again and not feel like I have to get everything double checked by a doctor. Also I wanted to know that the doctors don't think I'm crazy by taking her in for small things.  She calmed my fears and it was felt great to be reassured again.

Now Rachel is getting colds again and even got croup last week. The old fears came back but I felt like I handled things well. I didn't over react at night when she had her barking cough and was able to help her feel better. I took her to the doctors and got the answers and tools I needed.

Today, Rachel had a mild fever and was pretty grumpy. I knew she just didn't feel good and taking her to the doctor's would be pointless because there is nothing they can do besides tell me to give her Tylenol. Then at 6:00pm, Rachel started telling me that she wanted to go night-night. That unnerved me! The last kid who wanted to go to bed early (at 6:00pm) didn't wake up the next morning. I know Hannah was just a different situation but still I couldn't let Rachel go to bed early.  I had her get a priesthood blessing which helped us both to calm down a lot.

I think it's a little funny that normally I would love my kids to go to bed early especially after screaming for a few hours but I just couldn't let myself do it.

I also have a tough time with humidifiers now because I had one going for Hannah that night she died. She finally had a peaceful night and didn't make a sound which I contributed to the humidifier working so well. I know what happened to her has nothing to do with the humidifier at all and I still use one for Rachel when needed, but I do think about how Hannah had it on her last night every time I turn it on.