Forgetting

I picked up Robert from Kindergarten today and the first thing he told me was that he couldn't stop thinking about Hannah today. Being a very action orientated mom, I asked if he wanted to look through the Hannah books and talk about her or visit her (go to the cemetery). He said no and we both got distracted by other things. I happened to walk (which is rare for Wyoming winters) and on our way I started asking Robert more about what he was thinking about in regards to Hannah. The conversation wasn't going really anywhere and then he said something along the lines of "I don't think much about her but I think about her. I don't remember much."

Then it finally clicked. One of my worries have finally happened and we are one month away from Hannah's one year anniversary. Robert who lives in the present moment is starting to lose past memories of Hannah. Robert is the type of boy who, when asked what he is grateful for, looks around the room and answers with the things that are currently happening or what he currently sees. I know that Robert loves his sister and wishes she was still with us. However, the only memory that Robert has talked about was that Hannah bit him. (If you could see the bite marks she left, you would remember it too.)

I told him that I was afraid of forgetting Hannah too and so I made the Hannah books which has pictures of her when she was in my tummy and born, to her birthdays and seizures, to when she died. I have five photo books filled with pictures and stories so I can remember the small moments and not have to keep them all in my brain. Then I shared a memory of when Hannah was just a few weeks old and I left her in the swing so I could shower while Hailey and Robert watched TV. When I was done with my shower Hannah was screaming while Robert was trying to feed her cereal. I took a picture of that so I could remember and put it in the book so I can share it with others. I invited him to get a Hannah book when we got home but at that point he was done with the conversation and argued with Hailey about who was faster and screamed when she was ahead of him.

I feel like we have an interesting situation and we haven't run into a whole lot of people who has lost a kid at such a young age. Hannah was three and shortly before she died, she was changing and growing up quickly. Her baby fat was disappearing which made her seem taller, her ears were finally cleared and she was starting to really talk, and her personality and interests were about to be more expressed. When I think of Hannah, I think of her when she was 2 1/2 year old instead of 3 years and 4 months old.  Hailey was 6 1/2 years old and her roommate. Hailey remembers a lot and hopefully will be able to keep those memories with her. However with Robert turning 5 less then a month before she died and Rachel only 18 months, the memories and understanding that they will have is what we pass on to them.

I want this blog to focus on how we find the balance between keeping Hannah alive and dwelling in the past. I want to focus on how we celebrate the big moments in life and the insights I gain from other people who have lost loved ones. I also need a place to share my thoughts as I try to help guide my family through this adjustment. I am okay that Heavenly Father wanted Hannah to come back to Him and that it was just her time to go. I'm so grateful for the wonderful and trying 3 years we had with her. I learned a lot throughout her life and her death has bought new understanding, in some cases, and a whole lot of unanswered questions at the same time.