Growing up

When I think of Hannah, I remember her best when she was 2 - 2 1/2 years old. She was signing a lot but had very little words. She was a goof ball and would walk side to side. She had the cutest run and mainly wanted to be carried. She was very feisty and wanted to do everything by herself. "Hannah do it!" was a phrase she had mastered. This picture of Hannah that we use frequently to represent her was taken about a year before she died, February 2012. 

 Rachel is almost 2 1/2 and is now wearing Hannah's clothes. I decided early on to pass Hannah things on because it brings up good memories and allows conversations to happen. This dress will always be Hannah's dress and that's okay. Hailey occasionally will sleep with Hannah's bear and blanket which is great because anything that gives comfort is a good thing.

Rachel is a great mixture between Robert and Hannah. I especially see a lot of Hannah in her as Rachel is becoming a preschooler. Rachel's favorite phrase is also "I do it!" Rachel likes Dora and even has a similar cute run. She is also fearless like Hannah was especially with playgrounds. Rachel is a climber. There are so many small moments that I watch Rachel and am reminded of Hannah. I love it and am so grateful to have Rachel. She has helped me a lot while I grieve and try to process Hannah's death.

It's not that Rachel is replacing Hannah or even filling in the hole that I constantly feel, but she distracts me and reminds me that I am still needed. I'm thankful for the memories that I have and that I can recall them well because my biggest fear is forgetting.

In the same moments of joy watching Rachel and recalling Hannah, I feel sad that Rachel doesn't have her playmate. I see how Rachel loves to be around other kids and copies everything they do. I'm sure there would be competition between them to get my attention and times would of course be tough. I just wonder how things would have been and recognize that Rachel would have different behaviors if Hannah was still here.

I would like to know how our life would be if Hannah was here but I try not to focus on that. Our life and our routines are different. Such a dramatic change happened that it's not possible to predict the "what ifs". I went from 3 kids in the house to one since Robert left for Kindergarten. That has given me a lot of time to think and research how I want my family to run and what are my priorities. I have more time on my hands then I ever thought I would and am excited for a new baby to fill it up again. I have also learned the important lesson of being more conscience about what I do everyday. I need to have interest and goals that are not centered around taking care of kids because they are in the home a short amount of time. I also try to make the time I have with them more meaningful and about making connections.

When Hannah died, I was very thankful that for the two weeks prior to her death, I conscientiously changed my parenting around to add more composure for myself and eliminate yelling. I really have no regrets about my parenting with Hannah and that is a huge blessing.