Sick kids

Hannah had a little cold that turned into bronchitis and pneumonia in the middle of the night before she died. Since Robert and Rachel were also sick and Hannah never had much of a fever, I decided not to take her into the doctors. I'm not sure if that would even change the result if I had because it was simple her time to go.  However, sick kids still make me a little nervous. The day after Hannah died, I took Robert and Rachel into the doctors just to double check my motherly instinct. I was right and they just had a simple cold. I'm not even sure if they got medicine for it or not. I continued to take Rachel in for small sicknesses because I didn't trust my judgement.

I saw my doctor at story time in the library within a few weeks of Hannah's passing and was able to tell her how conflicted I was. I basically needed "permission" to trust my gut again and not feel like I have to get everything double checked by a doctor. Also I wanted to know that the doctors don't think I'm crazy by taking her in for small things.  She calmed my fears and it was felt great to be reassured again.

Now Rachel is getting colds again and even got croup last week. The old fears came back but I felt like I handled things well. I didn't over react at night when she had her barking cough and was able to help her feel better. I took her to the doctors and got the answers and tools I needed.

Today, Rachel had a mild fever and was pretty grumpy. I knew she just didn't feel good and taking her to the doctor's would be pointless because there is nothing they can do besides tell me to give her Tylenol. Then at 6:00pm, Rachel started telling me that she wanted to go night-night. That unnerved me! The last kid who wanted to go to bed early (at 6:00pm) didn't wake up the next morning. I know Hannah was just a different situation but still I couldn't let Rachel go to bed early.  I had her get a priesthood blessing which helped us both to calm down a lot.

I think it's a little funny that normally I would love my kids to go to bed early especially after screaming for a few hours but I just couldn't let myself do it.

I also have a tough time with humidifiers now because I had one going for Hannah that night she died. She finally had a peaceful night and didn't make a sound which I contributed to the humidifier working so well. I know what happened to her has nothing to do with the humidifier at all and I still use one for Rachel when needed, but I do think about how Hannah had it on her last night every time I turn it on.

Growing up

When I think of Hannah, I remember her best when she was 2 - 2 1/2 years old. She was signing a lot but had very little words. She was a goof ball and would walk side to side. She had the cutest run and mainly wanted to be carried. She was very feisty and wanted to do everything by herself. "Hannah do it!" was a phrase she had mastered. This picture of Hannah that we use frequently to represent her was taken about a year before she died, February 2012. 

 Rachel is almost 2 1/2 and is now wearing Hannah's clothes. I decided early on to pass Hannah things on because it brings up good memories and allows conversations to happen. This dress will always be Hannah's dress and that's okay. Hailey occasionally will sleep with Hannah's bear and blanket which is great because anything that gives comfort is a good thing.

Rachel is a great mixture between Robert and Hannah. I especially see a lot of Hannah in her as Rachel is becoming a preschooler. Rachel's favorite phrase is also "I do it!" Rachel likes Dora and even has a similar cute run. She is also fearless like Hannah was especially with playgrounds. Rachel is a climber. There are so many small moments that I watch Rachel and am reminded of Hannah. I love it and am so grateful to have Rachel. She has helped me a lot while I grieve and try to process Hannah's death.

It's not that Rachel is replacing Hannah or even filling in the hole that I constantly feel, but she distracts me and reminds me that I am still needed. I'm thankful for the memories that I have and that I can recall them well because my biggest fear is forgetting.

In the same moments of joy watching Rachel and recalling Hannah, I feel sad that Rachel doesn't have her playmate. I see how Rachel loves to be around other kids and copies everything they do. I'm sure there would be competition between them to get my attention and times would of course be tough. I just wonder how things would have been and recognize that Rachel would have different behaviors if Hannah was still here.

I would like to know how our life would be if Hannah was here but I try not to focus on that. Our life and our routines are different. Such a dramatic change happened that it's not possible to predict the "what ifs". I went from 3 kids in the house to one since Robert left for Kindergarten. That has given me a lot of time to think and research how I want my family to run and what are my priorities. I have more time on my hands then I ever thought I would and am excited for a new baby to fill it up again. I have also learned the important lesson of being more conscience about what I do everyday. I need to have interest and goals that are not centered around taking care of kids because they are in the home a short amount of time. I also try to make the time I have with them more meaningful and about making connections.

When Hannah died, I was very thankful that for the two weeks prior to her death, I conscientiously changed my parenting around to add more composure for myself and eliminate yelling. I really have no regrets about my parenting with Hannah and that is a huge blessing.

Celebrating Anniversaries

Hannah's year mark is less then a month away. I'm not sure what I want to do for it or what traditions I should start.

The day after she died, it happened to be April's birthday. April is my neighbor and when I found Hannah, I ran and got her to help me. She called 911 and did CPR on Hannah. Even though I wish I would have thought about doing those things myself and will always be grateful that she was there. April came over that day with a bunch of balloons and explained that she wasn't in much of a celebrating mood and got balloons to send off to Hannah. It was a great thing for our family.

(April is in the red jacket with her baby due in June.)

For Hannah's 6 month mark, the Crawford's meet us at the cemetery. We sang "Families are Together Forever", mentioned any memories that came to mind, then released balloons to Hannah. I also had some fresh flowers for her and Teasha had a nice plotted plant. Afterwards we went to Burger King to let the kids play.

For Hannah's birthday, we had a fake cupcake that we took to her site and sang Happy Birthday. Unfortunately it got dark and cold quickly that night and there was snow everywhere. It's harder to visit her in the winter time. We came back to our house to eat cupcakes. Robert, Hailey, and Rachel got to blow out the candle together. The day that Hannah died, the kids asked about her birthday and still wanted us to have cake.

Also her Hannah's birthday and Christmas we got presents for a 3 yr old girl on the Giving Tree. We got her an outfit and a Princess Sophia present. I plan on this being a tradition for our family. This way we can give a present to Hannah and have it benefit a little girl in town.

So with that, it comes back to what do we do for her 1 year? Do we do balloons for this one too? All the memories are written in the Hannah books and my kids don't really have a lot of memories to share on the spot. When something comes to them they share it at that moment, they don't wait for a special day to talk about her (which I think is wonderful). I did make a smaller Hannah book which the kids got for Christmas. I think it would be great to read that one to them every year. Also I love flowers so maybe we'll just do flowers at the year anniversaries and balloons on half years or birthdays.

Part of me wants to do some kind of activity like bowling or planting flowers or a service project. I have great memories of bowling with Hannah and she seemed to enjoy doing that a lot. Also she liked playing in the water so maybe swimming would be great. We were giving a rose plant that we replanted in our garden out front. It means a lot to me and the kids enjoyed taking turns watering it. It would be too cold to plant a flower in April but we could start a seed or bulb inside then replant it later.

Hannah was just joy to be around. She was always very happy. I don't want a day set aside to remember her to be a sad one but a time to enjoy and remember the wonderful spark she was in our family. I want us to focus on looking forward to being together again then spending the day wishing she was still with us. I love Hannah and I love talking about her. I think about her everyday but sometimes feel like I kill conversations when I talk about her because other people don't know what to say or how to react to it. It seems more "acceptable" to talk about her on special occasions which is why I look forward to these anniversaries and birthdays.

Messages to Heaven

I'm not quite sure when this started but it must of been just a few days after Hannah's passing. While I was praying, I just wanted Hannah to know that I'm thinking of her and hope she is happy.  That is my wish for Hannah and on occasion I tell God about it. I want God to in a way pass that message on to her or however things work up there.

There are a lot of things about the gospel and the whole grand design of things that I just don't understand, especially when it comes to the spirit world. I don't let my lack of understanding bother me too much and just tell myself that is not my spiritual gift. There has only been two distinct times that I have felt Hannah near me but that had only lasted a quick second for acknowledgement and then it was gone. I believe in the ministering of angels but I'm not sensitive to know what comes from Hannah or someone else. I'm okay with that because when I get to heaven my understanding will become clear and until that time, to me every good feeling comes from the Holy Ghost.

The Sunday before she died (she died early Tuesday morning), she received a blessing and that thing that stuck out to me the most was at the end of the blessing it said that she had missions to fulfill.  I want to strongly believe that Hannah is greatly needed in heaven. I want to believe that she is very busy fulfilling her purpose and teaching people instead of always watching over our family. Maybe she can do both but I would feel more comfortable knowing that she isn't watching me losing my temper and patience with my family.

I hope when we are reunited again that Hannah will still need her mommy even though she will be the expert on heaven instead of me being the "expert" on this life. I wonder who is watching over her and I really hope she hasn't found her spouse already. I feel like a missionary mom, proud of her choice to serve God while still longing to have her home. I would love a count down to know when we would be back together again and I would love to get a letter from her. I feel for the moms who miss their children and am jealous of them at the same time.

Forgetting

I picked up Robert from Kindergarten today and the first thing he told me was that he couldn't stop thinking about Hannah today. Being a very action orientated mom, I asked if he wanted to look through the Hannah books and talk about her or visit her (go to the cemetery). He said no and we both got distracted by other things. I happened to walk (which is rare for Wyoming winters) and on our way I started asking Robert more about what he was thinking about in regards to Hannah. The conversation wasn't going really anywhere and then he said something along the lines of "I don't think much about her but I think about her. I don't remember much."

Then it finally clicked. One of my worries have finally happened and we are one month away from Hannah's one year anniversary. Robert who lives in the present moment is starting to lose past memories of Hannah. Robert is the type of boy who, when asked what he is grateful for, looks around the room and answers with the things that are currently happening or what he currently sees. I know that Robert loves his sister and wishes she was still with us. However, the only memory that Robert has talked about was that Hannah bit him. (If you could see the bite marks she left, you would remember it too.)

I told him that I was afraid of forgetting Hannah too and so I made the Hannah books which has pictures of her when she was in my tummy and born, to her birthdays and seizures, to when she died. I have five photo books filled with pictures and stories so I can remember the small moments and not have to keep them all in my brain. Then I shared a memory of when Hannah was just a few weeks old and I left her in the swing so I could shower while Hailey and Robert watched TV. When I was done with my shower Hannah was screaming while Robert was trying to feed her cereal. I took a picture of that so I could remember and put it in the book so I can share it with others. I invited him to get a Hannah book when we got home but at that point he was done with the conversation and argued with Hailey about who was faster and screamed when she was ahead of him.

I feel like we have an interesting situation and we haven't run into a whole lot of people who has lost a kid at such a young age. Hannah was three and shortly before she died, she was changing and growing up quickly. Her baby fat was disappearing which made her seem taller, her ears were finally cleared and she was starting to really talk, and her personality and interests were about to be more expressed. When I think of Hannah, I think of her when she was 2 1/2 year old instead of 3 years and 4 months old.  Hailey was 6 1/2 years old and her roommate. Hailey remembers a lot and hopefully will be able to keep those memories with her. However with Robert turning 5 less then a month before she died and Rachel only 18 months, the memories and understanding that they will have is what we pass on to them.

I want this blog to focus on how we find the balance between keeping Hannah alive and dwelling in the past. I want to focus on how we celebrate the big moments in life and the insights I gain from other people who have lost loved ones. I also need a place to share my thoughts as I try to help guide my family through this adjustment. I am okay that Heavenly Father wanted Hannah to come back to Him and that it was just her time to go. I'm so grateful for the wonderful and trying 3 years we had with her. I learned a lot throughout her life and her death has bought new understanding, in some cases, and a whole lot of unanswered questions at the same time.