Deja Vu

Hannah has been on my mind a lot recently and Saturday was filled with reminders of the life Hannah had.

After working in the yard as a family, Rachel saw my bike with her seat in the back and wanted a ride. Since Nathan was home and Rebekah was sleeping, we went on a bike ride.  My bike was in the shed so I brought it to the garage so I could find my helmet. I got Hannah's...well now Rachel's panda helmet for her. Then Rachel saw the red trike and wanted to go on it which was most recently rode by Hannah.

I told Rachel that she asked to ride on my bike and showed her the baby seat we have. We had a lot of fun and I went around one block with Robert and then took Hailey around another block. Getting the bikes out was a little sad because it's time to move everyone up a bike. I need to get Hailey a new bike, Robert would get Hailey's old one, and Hannah would have gotten the rocket bike.  She loved her trike and seemed to pick it up easily so I always wondered how fast she would figure out a big bike.

 Later in the afternoon, I took the kids to Washington Park. Rachel is a monkey and just climbs as high as she can go and sometimes gets stuck. Hannah had the same lack of free and when she was two she would just walk off the platforms.  Eventually Rachel found the swings and stayed their for 20+ minutes. While I was pushing Rachel and carrying Rebekah in the front pack, Rachel started singing a Dora song "Hola, Hola Hello, Hello It's time to go go go!"

When we first moved to Laramie, I took Hannah to the same park and pushed her in the swing while carrying Rachel in the backpack. We were working on Hannah's vocab and would make different sounds to each other. Hannah and I started singing "Yo ho ho! Ye he he" back and forth to each which also came from a Dora episode.

I enjoy watching Rachel going through the same activities that Hannah did especially since their personalities are similar. I am also curious about what new skills Hannah would have achieved by know at 4 1/2 years old. I look forward to the time that I will get that chance instead of dwelling on missed opportunities by a shortened life.

I ended my Saturday at Walmart picking out a pretty pink bouquet to put at her grave sight when we go together after church to visit Little Miss Hannah.

Living with Faith instead of Fear

I love being a mom and that is all I have ever wanted. Hailey was born during my last summer semester in college which I only had 1 1/2 classes left to do. I got my degree as something to fall back on if needed and to set a standard for my kids. Besides that last semester of school, I really haven't been away from my kids much.

When my third kid, Hannah was 9 months old I started going to an Institute class once a week. It was different for me to be without kids and doing something just for myself. However, during the 2nd or 3rd class, I got a text message saying that Hannah was in a seizure and was going to the hospital. Her seizure lasted 45 minutes long. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days with her and we never received answers on what the effects of this seizure will be and why it happened. I had such mommy guilt that I was away from Hannah when the seizure started. I wanted to never be apart from my kids again but I still continued going to my class though it was tough to do so.

In the following months we found out that she was epileptic and besides a sometimes fever and maybe throwing up, there were no warnings of when she would have a seizure.  It is the most difficult thing for me to just watch my tiny baby fall down and have spasms and be so completely helpless.  After talking to doctors and being on medication (that didn't block the seizures) and trying anything that could help her, somewhere along this road we made the decision that her seizures would not stop us from going about our normal activities.

We went to a soccer game for Robert and it was a windy, chilly day and Hannah had a small cough. Hannah and Hailey were at the playground behind us while we watched Robert. Nathan turned around to check on the girls and watched Hannah fall to the ground (just from a standing height) and didn't get up. We ran to get her and sure enough she was in a seizure. We knew this was a possibility but decided to would be best to prepare for it instead of going out of our way and not let her be with the family. She also had a seizure while we were shoe shopping for Nathan, so he held her while she slept it off and continued to try on shoes.

Hannah had a seizure in the water while I was away shopping and Grandma Cherie was watching her. I again felt that mommy guilt of not being there for her. I never wanted to miss a seizure and that was frequently my prayer that Heavenly Father would let me know so I can be there for her.

Then the most difficult moment came when I found Hannah blue in her bed and I didn't know what to do. I got my neighbor who did CPR on her and after the fact, I wished I had enough common sense to be the one to try to rescue her. I have a little bit of mommy guilt for that too.

My biggest worry coming back from the hospital after saying good bye to Hannah was that Rachel would die too. It took me many months to let go of that fear and this is how it happened for me.

I realized that each moment that I missed with her seizures, the proper people where there.  Nathan does really well in a crisis and got her help immediately. Grandma Cherie and April both had CPR training and automatically knew what to do.  The right people were there at the right time.

With Hannah's death, I can look back and see God's hand in everything especially the timing of it to make it easiest for our family. I trust and have peace that her death was His plan and it was a plan full of love.

I had to come to the conclusion and the faith that if Rachel or any of my other kids died also that Heavenly Father will be with me then too and I will not be left alone. I have let go of my fear and have turned it into God's hands because it is one of the things that I just don't have control over.

I miss Hannah daily and truly wish with all my heart that she was alive with us. I want her back so badly but in times of despair and heartache, I turn to God's promises that we are a forever family and He is always mindful of each one of us individually. I know that God sees the greater picture and that everything is for our good. I have chosen to not let my fear stop me from living life.